There are days…

where nothing sits right in my mind. I constantly worry about what everyone is thinking, how to talk to people and I just want to disappear. So I think I will… just for a bit.

I haven’t updated in…

forever.
But here I am, and I am digging this arial font. It always bugged me when the default post font was Georgia… anyways… that’s not the point of this post.
I wanted to post about nostalgia… again. Yes, this is probably my most favorite thing to talk about but all for good reason, okay? Nostalgia hits me like stupid raindrops on a stupid cloudy day. Sucks.
Yesterday was one of those days… one of those terribly nostalgic and sad days. Nostalgia only hits me when I’m sad.. it’s like it knows it’s my weakness. I was by myself in my dorm room, staring outside my window listening to Miley Cyrus’ ‘The Climb’… I kept thinking about middle school… back to the day when I had to go to the orthodontist’s office during the middle of school and when I came back at lunch, I hopped out of the car into the sunshine and the fall breeze and skipped my way into the building. Castillero was beautiful… the suburban beauty was my favorite. The trees, grass, leaves, houses, cars… everything. I missed going to school and knowing that I’d eventually be able to go home afterwards. I hated at that moment yesterday that I could not be able to go home.. I wanted to go home. I wanted to go back to being in public schooling at home… seeing my mom after school and having her make me food, watching tv, doing hw… not really.
I felt so sad yesterday because I was frustrated. I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to do and it frustrated me. My grades are terrible and it frustrated me even more… I honestly was just so upset with life in general. I feel better now but I don’t know. I miss it all.

The “d” word

It’s my first real encounter with.. death.. it’s still hard for me to get that word out there. I’ve always had this phobia with death and diseases, a phobia that I think I’ll have forever and ever.

My grandpa on my mom’s side died last night, and the moment my mom told me I was just kindof in utter shock. She said, “Wo you hen sad de xiao xi yao gen ni shuo.. wai gong yi jing zou le” (I have some sad news to tell you.. grandpa has already passed on”

I could tell that she was still keeping up a stronger front, trying not to cry and she just kept sighing a lot. It was crazy how much she reminded me of myself at that point, and I kept thinking that we were so similar. We both sigh a lot when we’re trying not to let tears flow from our eyes even though they’re welling up slowly =(

I still don’t know what to do, what to say, everything is like one big mess in my mind. I didn’t know my grandpa very well but I still have many many many memories of him when I visited Taiwan. I feel sad that I didn’t ever have much to say to him, and I never took the time to make sure we talked a lot… I don’t know. It’s weird to say that someone is now “gone”.

My mom is being so strong right now.. and I feel like all I can do is try to make things easier for her. My family isn’t a lovey dovey “I love you!” hugs and kisses family… we all have issues expressing love to each other. It makes it extremely hard for me to comfort my mom, so I just try to do chores around the house and ask if she needs help as my way of giving her a big hug and telling her things are okay.

Hearing the news, seeing my mom cry and break down is so hard. It’s just HARD. Hard to see, hard to hear, hard to deal with.. hard to IMAGINE. I’m crying too and it feels good to cry… I don’t really know how else to feel less tense and sad if not through tears and venting like this.

RIP Wai Gong.

hypochondriac.

Sigh… right now that word up there is what i feel like i am. maybe i’m not a hypochondriac because from what i’ve researched, some people have it way worse than me. if you don’t know what hyochonria is, it’s a mental disorder where you worry or talk excessively about your health. that is what i’ve been doing since i don’t remember how long ago.. a long time. i remember worrying that i was growing random things when i felt lymph nodes in my neck.. or the small red blot clots in my fingers that led me to attempting to pick them out with a needle. i can’t help it.. i worry ALOT. i guess my worrying goes hand in hand with my superstitiousness. i have certain routines that i do every single day and i HAVE to do them or else i feel like something bad will happen. i dont think i have OCD.. i think im just superstitious. but anyways… lately i’ve been worrying about having a brain tumor. the thing that worries me the most is that you dont know if you have one. how scary is that? some of those the symptoms are so ambiguous its hard to tell and that makes me worry. knowing all the symptoms has caused me to freak out everytime i get a symptom. i cant help it and its driving me CRAZY. these phases where i worry like this are the worst days ever.. i can’t focus on anything and my mind amplifies every little feeling that happens in my body. the slightest tingle in my finger feels huge… or a small pressure in my head makes me freak out. dkjfdlkfjkdj. im sorry to those that i freak out to about this.. you’re probably really really tired of hearing me talk about it. all the “its okay, you’re FINE”‘ and the “stop worrying about it and the symptoms will go away”.. it feels nice to be comforted but it doesnt help. now i feel stupid for being so persistent and annoying about it. ahhh its just something i need to deal with. why am i such a weird person? i hate worrying so much.

Because everyone else is doing it… peer pressure?

everybody seems to be coming up with these meaningful blog entries where they ponder life and its many series of events.. so i thought i’d just reflect. in this blog entry, i’ll just be real and say how i feel.. screw capitalizations -_- i tried to keep that consistent in my other entries because it looked more professional, but i just can’t do it.

first of all, i’m listening to the perfect reflection music; epik high. epik high reminds me of really late nights where i stick my earbuds into my ears and try to fall asleep. i set my ipod on sleep mode for 30 minutes and i let my ipod play all my epik high songs… i know that i can’t fall asleep to music but i do it anyway because i love how soothing epik high is. even at the very end, when i’m ALMOST asleep.. i can still hear the music and then all of a sudden it just stops. 30 minutes is up and then there’s just silence and i’m awake again. i feel like my life is kindof like this right now.. everything seems to give me hope and then suddenly it’s gone and i’m back where i started again. it’s like that with everything… test grades, boys, friendships, everything! why can’t things just go through perfectly?

i have nothing else to say, goodnight

New Years’ Resolutions 2010

I guess I’ll talk a little bit about how I’ve been feeling lately, and how my new year has been going so far. When I think about what I want to change in myself, I get pretty frustrated. There is just too much stuff that I think I could improve in.. but the biggest thing I want to change about myself is my constant worrying. My restlessness when something really small goes wrong. With all my friendships, there are bound to be little arguments, fights and tiffs that make me a little angry or paranoid BUT. It’s all normal right? THAT is what I need to work on. I cannot stand it when I get into a fight with someone or they’re not happy with me. This leads me to my next big change I want to work on… well that would be accepting change. I have some serious issues against change It scares me how I’ll react to leaving and going to college, but for now this change lies in my relationships with people and myself. I hate it when people change… though it’s bound to happen. I hate it when I drift in friendships and things just aren’t the same. It makes me so uncomfortable and want to fix it as soon as I can. My new years’ resolution is to just relax. If things change, they’re changing for a reason. There is no need to freak myself out over it… if my friendship with that person is strong enough, things will get better. I need to get that into my brain… oh one more thing. This one’s for Karina, reduce slippage by maybe thinking before I speak sometimes -__- OH and another thing, I need to be more organized and not so forgetful therefore I have come up with a plan. I will carry around a pad of sticky notes and jot things down wherever I go… here it is.

K FOR KAREN!

NEXT, I would like to reflect a little bit on 2009 and what stood out for me! OK this is going to sound really not exciting for most people, especially episodically… BUT. KPOP got to me in 2009 and I couldn’t be happier (: KPOP is the one type of music that picks me up, lets me do my hw in happiness, and keeps me dancing like there’s no tomorrow! I am listening as we speak, and I still love it. There is no doubt that I will be bumping KPOP day and night when I get my license (: I’d also like to say that 2pm was a huge part of my life in the summer of 2009 ahhahaha so <333 to them. oh and GEEEEEE!

OK I have to start hw but here’s a picture of my christmas tree before I have to take it down ):

No motivation and no patience=

bad, unsuccessful blogging.

Today was okay… AH I can’t blog.

Goodnight.

Re: Mary Lin’s boys boys boys

It’s 1:40 AM, but I thought I’d blog anyway because boys are worth it (:

OKAY. So I’m going to flat-out say that my experiences with boys have been not so great, borderline bad. In this case it really is “me, not you”. From the very start, lets say kindergarten.. I’ve had my crushes -_- My first crush was probably Alec Perucci… I’m not sure if I can find a picture of him but I’ll sure try… PS. this is sooo lurker status.

My first crush

Yes, that is him. Yes, I DID lurk his facebook for this… YES, I am a stalker. But hey, Mary did it too! Okay, I did start liking early… all I really remember about Alec is chasing him around the playground calling him Daddy. I was a creep starting from age 5… it’s really very sad. I somehow thought that by calling him my father, I could somehow make him play with me. I was obviously wrong, and he and I did not become involved.

Next, we have my first “thing”. My definition of a “thing” is: An exclusive relationship that is not yet a real relationship. Feelings are exchanged, lots and lots and lots of talking is involved and they are always your secure date to all dances within the time period of said “thing”.  Also, many awkward moments are involved… for sure. So here is the guy I had my first “thing” with:

My first "thing"

I won’t name any names, but if you know me then you’ll know who this is (: Our little “thing” happened sophomore year when we both went to Chinese School and we talked online all the time… I thought he was reaaaally cute and funny and really sweet; all the things girls like in a guy. He also made me an adorable video on Valentines Day when I thought he wasn’t going to do anything and taught me about phone conversations. Talking to him till the wee hours of the morning was both fun and frustrating. Somewhere far far away there is a giant pile of “things” that never make it to relationships. My “thing” with him goes in that pile… I realized that he could find better, that I didn’t want to talk to him on the phone anymore and things were just too awkward for me to handle.

*EDIT* After reading this, I realize that he wasn’t my first “thing”, but I guess you could say he was my first LEGIT “thing”? (:

Au contraire to Mary’s entry, I have TOO MANY crushes to name, but I think I’ll include just one more… he shall be my “First major jerk crush/crush based off of looks”. I cannot believe I was so smitten with him, but once you see him you will be smitten too!

My first major jerk crush/crush based off of looks

This is the boy that made my stomach become filled with butterflies… the one that kept me on my toes and the one that made me look forward to Spanish class everyday. He is just SO cute… I am hating that I still think he’s cute.  He was such a jerk to me though, always scaring me because I get freaked out easily and making fun of me. I hated it, but I loved it… it’s pretty pathetic actually. His face filled my brain a lot that year, and a lot of pointless daydreams occurred too Everytime he talked to me on facebook chat, I would smile and get excited. Everytime I missed his facebook chat, I’d get really angry at myself. I swore that I would never again feel like that! But of course, it was a lie because these types of crushes are much too easy to come by. I am doomed to be pathetic more than once in my life right?

Moving on to more fun things (: CELEBRITY CRUSHES!

My first celebrity crush -_____-

HAHAHAH I labeled this picture “omg” in my pictures. I was like five years old and I saw him on TV and I really liked him. End of story, I am not going to explain anymore because the picture can tell you why I refuse to speak about him.

The next crush I have is a special one. If you know me at all, then you KNOW that I love this boy more than words. Well… it has died down a bit but I still <3 him always! Here is TAEC!

The biggest celebrity crush I've ever had

What can I say about him? I’ve never been so in love with a celebrity than this here boy… It all began when my friend introduced me to 2PM, this adorable kpop boyband. I saw Taec and I knew I’d have a crush on him… He was tall, adorable, AMERICAN, dorky, with the most adorable smile I’ve ever seen. I loved everything about him and I am pretty sure I’ve seen every single youtube thing about him. He even likes the same dried mangos as me ): (Chansung, I don’t have mangoes) That’s for you alex hahahaha. Anyways, this boy stole my heart for many many months. It got so bad that I constantly daydreamed about him… about meeting him, becoming part of 2PM, going out with him, singing with him. I was obsessed… thank you for anyone who stuck with me through that peak of obsession. My obsession has not moved on, but has passed… nobody could ever replace Taec, but until he changes his hair; TAEC, WE’RE THROUGH.

EW.

MOVING ON.

My first korean drama crush

He was in Glass Slippers, one of my favorite tragic dramas of course. His tough personality won me over (:

The cute Taiwanese crush

I loved him AND that picture. I loved his songs, which I still sing along to every once in a while. Kiss goodbye- Wang Lee Hom… go listen to it.

The hot, charming crush that makes me melt

Watching him in any drama, any interview, in any picture… he charms me. Charming me in the way that I am totally mesmerized, totally in love, and HIS VOICE AHHH. He’ just hot. And I RARELY use that word to describe boys.

My musical genius cutie crush

JUSTIN NOZUKA. Holy cow, this boy makes me smile. I first saw him on VH1 like New Artists or something like that and I fell in love. He’s so so so so cute and his voice is so soulful and ahhhhh. I love him forever <3 Scratch that. Justin, cut your hair and I’ll love you again! JK

The dorky crush <3

Hello Seth, I love you. HAVE YOU SEEN THE OC? You cannot watch that show without falling in love with everybody’s favorite nerd, Seth. Sigh.. he is so cute.

The body.

I think the body says everything… and his face is cute too (:

OKAY I am way too tired to continue, so that will be my boys, boys, boys blog! Hope you enjoyed my craziness!

GOODNIGHT!

I FAIL…

at blogging!

hahaha i have not blogged in so so so SO long! but i’m ready to blog again thanks to Karinacake and episodically (: alright so maybe i’ll update whoever is reading this on what’s been going on in the life of DJ Beans. i do not know why i want to call myself DJ Beans, but it all started when i mixed a song for the dance crew i’m in. that makes me sound like a superfly DJ AND dancer. let me tell you, i am NOT. the DJing part was figuring out how to use Audacity to put Put it Down and Tik Tok together and then dance crew part is just a few friends with a goal in mind (: i think we’re doing pretty well though, maybe later i can put up a video. and now i am completely off-topic!

well. it’s winter break right now and i honestly cannot even believe 5 months has passed already. it’s senior year but i still feel like a baby. i always remember watching movies about high school and everybody looked so OLD. the girls were tall and mature looking and curvy and i wonder where i went wrong! why do i look so small?!

BREAKING NEWS: gov grade just came in and MY GRADE IS THE SAME! YAAAY i was on the border so this is amazing news! YAAAAAAAYYYYY WHOOOOHOOOOOOOO ok now i’m tired.

goodbye and goodnight

i miss you!

I’m about to go to sleep

Buuut, I thought I’d  blog a little bit since I want to keep this going throughout the year. Well. I don’t know, I guess today was okay this morning… I don’t know I’ll just start from my day since the AM.

Kay so I woke up at 6:20 and the first thing I saw was a beautiful sky outside. These days I haven’t been closing my blinds all the way because I like the light when I wake up. But this morning it was a beautiful like pink color and I seriously just sat in my bed for ten minutes admiring the sky. Oh yeah, I started sleeping on the other side of my bed lately… I don’t know why. But it just made me start thinking about how much I’m going to miss waking up in that room. As you can see, I’m still drowning in my pool of room depression.

WELL… link crew stuff happened. I was tired, but my kids were nice (: I really like them, they’re sweet and pretty funny I guess. Anyways… IDK. I realize that like as much as I try to be outgoing and shake the shy girl image, nothing changes. I’m still always going to be percieved as shy and quiet and I don’t know… I guess I am shy at times, but still! AH. Anyways, as the day went on… things were good then I got home from dance practice and I wasn’t in such a good mood anymore. Oh well. Goodnight.

Sleepy,

Karen