The “d” word
It’s my first real encounter with.. death.. it’s still hard for me to get that word out there. I’ve always had this phobia with death and diseases, a phobia that I think I’ll have forever and ever.
My grandpa on my mom’s side died last night, and the moment my mom told me I was just kindof in utter shock. She said, “Wo you hen sad de xiao xi yao gen ni shuo.. wai gong yi jing zou le” (I have some sad news to tell you.. grandpa has already passed on”
I could tell that she was still keeping up a stronger front, trying not to cry and she just kept sighing a lot. It was crazy how much she reminded me of myself at that point, and I kept thinking that we were so similar. We both sigh a lot when we’re trying not to let tears flow from our eyes even though they’re welling up slowly =(
I still don’t know what to do, what to say, everything is like one big mess in my mind. I didn’t know my grandpa very well but I still have many many many memories of him when I visited Taiwan. I feel sad that I didn’t ever have much to say to him, and I never took the time to make sure we talked a lot… I don’t know. It’s weird to say that someone is now “gone”.
My mom is being so strong right now.. and I feel like all I can do is try to make things easier for her. My family isn’t a lovey dovey “I love you!” hugs and kisses family… we all have issues expressing love to each other. It makes it extremely hard for me to comfort my mom, so I just try to do chores around the house and ask if she needs help as my way of giving her a big hug and telling her things are okay.
Hearing the news, seeing my mom cry and break down is so hard. It’s just HARD. Hard to see, hard to hear, hard to deal with.. hard to IMAGINE. I’m crying too and it feels good to cry… I don’t really know how else to feel less tense and sad if not through tears and venting like this.
RIP Wai Gong.
